Resident EvilRewrites
by leopardcallaway
Summary: Im new to the site so please excuse my rewrites. Im also going to enter a book I wrote a year ago. Please rate it and these rewrites if you dont mind. Thank you very much.
1. Resident Evil 1 Rewrites

Resident Evil  
  
*Enter the mansion*  
  
*Jill, Barry and Wesker all walk through the mansion doors and look around the mansion hall*  
  
Barry "What is this?"  
  
Jill "Its a freakin Mansion Barry, whats it look like?"  
  
*Barry looks down at floor embaressed, while Wesker smirks amusingly*  
  
Wesker "Wow what a mansion!"  
  
Barry "Yeah, woulda made a great whore house in the 30s"  
  
*Jill inspects the rest of the hall and runs back to Wesker and Barry*  
  
Jill "Captain Wesker, wheres Chris? He had our picnic basket for God sakes!"  
  
*Wesker and Barry stare at Jill. Jill then runs towards the mansion entrance*  
  
Jill "Screw this, im goin to 7eleven. You guys want anything?"  
  
Barry "Well, i wouldnt mind a Twinkie or two..."  
  
*Wesker stops Jill from opening the Mansion door*  
  
Wesker "Stop it, dont open that door! Your all supposed to die.....errr dine here! Forget 7eleven Jill, we can all have a home cooked meal right here!"  
  
Jill "Ahh ok (Jill scowls down at the floor before getting over it). Anywhere where was I..... oh yeah....but Chris is..."  
  
*Their thoughts are interupted by gunfire*  
  
Barry "What is it?"  
  
Wesker "Maybe its the doorbell?"  
  
*Barry gives Wesker a confused look and Jill shakes her head in dismay*  
  
Wesker (sigh) "Alright... Maybe its......Chris....."  
  
*Barry and Jill nod approvingly*  
  
Wesker "Now Jill, can you go?"  
  
Barry "Im going with. Chris is our old partner you know..."  
  
Wesker "Oh i know whatcha mean Barry (nudge, nudge, wink, wink)hehehehe"  
  
*Wesker chuckles softly. Jill gives him an evil look and Wesker stops, while Barry blushes and looks down at the floor*  
  
Wesker "Ok, let me handle this"  
  
*Wesker points to the mud stains on the floor, and pulls out a toothbrush and some polish from his pocket. Barry and Jill give Wesker another weird look. Then they start to head towards the doors on the left side of the hall*  
  
Wesker "Stay alert, and remember, look both ways when your crossing a hallway!"  
  
*Jill nods obediantly, and follows Barry through the door*  
  
Wesker "Hehe, ive got them in the mansion. Now all i need to do is stop them from getting out of the mansion, then the world will be mine!"  
  
*Wesker laughs out loud maniacally*  
  
Jill (From the other room) "HEY! KEEP IT DOWN IN THERE!"  
  
Wesker "Sorry. (Wispers under his breath) Whiney little b!tch"  
  
Jill and Barry investigate the dining room  
  
*Jill and Barry enter the dining room. Barry walks on ahead*  
  
Barry"...The dining room"  
  
Jill"Well were dya make that astute observation genius?"  
  
*Jill gestures towards the huge table and cutlery. Barry ignores her and continues investigating the room*  
  
Jill"Hmm wonder if they got any left over auderves here?"  
  
*Jill starts searching the table but is interupted by Barry*  
  
Barry"What! What is this?"  
  
*Jill quickly stuffs a shrimp in her mouth and dashs over to Barry*  
  
Jill*with a full mouth* "Whaff iss ith?"  
  
*Jill sprays chunks of shrimp all over Barrys discovery*  
  
Barry"Awww Jill look what ya done now! Its ruined the colour and pattern of the blood!"  
  
Jill"Barry, its tomato soup you numbnut..."  
  
*Barry looks sad and looks down at the floor as Jill pities him*  
  
Jill*sigh* Ok, ok.....what is it?"  
  
*Barry smiles happily*  
  
Barry"Blood...."  
  
*Jill mock applauds Barry*  
  
Barry"Jill, see if you can find any other clues, ill be examining this"  
  
Jill"Ok... hey wait a minute, why do i have to go?"  
  
Barry"Because im looking at this blood puddle, and plus im a retard who will just keep asking questions all the time"  
  
*Barry chuckles away whilst Jill scowls and moves towards the door*  
  
Barry"I hope this is not Chris's blood..."  
  
Jill"The hell would you know smarta$$?"  
  
*Barrys continues to move his head side to side whilst checking his reflection in the blood puddle whilst Jill goes through the door into a corridor*  
  
Jill"Jeez, wheres the bathroom round here, i gotta p!ss like a dog"  
  
*Jill walks round a nearby corner, where a human is eating something*  
  
Jill"Man, if i was a guy i could use that plant in the corner! Oh wait theres someone, excuse me Sir?"  
  
*The human stops eating and a head drops to the floor, with half its face eaten away*  
  
Jill"Hey wait a minute! Thats Tupac Shakur! YOU B@ST@RD, you killed Tupac!"  
  
*The human turns its head to reveal its rotting white bloodstained face*  
  
Jill"Umm hey did i call you a b@st@rd? Hehe, my mistake..i mean its not a bad thing... Pac probably woulda been wasted by some East Siders anyway if it wasnt for you...hehe"  
  
*The human creature rises to its feet and shuffles towards Jill. Jill reacts quickly and makes a huge rocket launcher appear magically in her hands.*  
  
Jill"Swweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!"  
  
*Jill fires a rocket at the creature and it explodes into pieces*  
  
Jill"Hehe thats was for you Pac"  
  
*Jill walks upto Tupacs corpse and says a little prayer, whilst looting some ammo from his body*  
  
Jill"Yoink!"  
  
*Jill runs back to Barry*  
  
Jill"I just hope that idiot hasnt burned anything"  
  
*Jill steps through the door and runs towards Barry, still staring at the blood pool dumbfounded*  
  
Jill"Barry... i dont know how to tell you this...but Tupac Shakur is..."  
  
*Jill is interupted by a door opening and closing.*  
  
Barry"What is it!"  
  
Jill"FOR GODS SAKES STOP ASKIN FREAKING QUESTIONS AND SHOOT THAT MOTHER F**KIN MONSTER!... hey didnt i just pop that guy?"  
  
Barry*in a macho voice*"Let me handle this"  
  
*Barry fires one shot a minute at the creature who stands still giving Barry a confused look, whilst Jill stands hands on hips tapping her rocket launcher against her thigh looking at her watch. Barry finally finishes the creature off with his 3rd shot.*  
  
Jill"Looks like someone bought a cheapo Magnum..."  
  
*Barry investigates the corpse*  
  
Barry"What is it?"  
  
*Jill screams in anger at Barrys retardedness*  
  
Jill"STOP ASKIN THOSE DUMB QUESTIONS!*sigh* Remember what the shrink said, deep breaths and count to ten...."  
  
*Jill takes 10 deep breaths as Barry stays silent and still so as not to annoy Jill*  
  
Jill*sigh*"Lets report this to Wesker. I better damn well be able to see my face in that floor..."  
  
*Jill and Barry run towards the dining room doors* 


	2. Resident Evil 2 Rewrites

Resident Evil 2  
  
intro to Leons A Scenario in RE2:  
  
*Shot of the front of a Jeep, changes to a road sign above the road*  
  
Leon"Raccoon City? Hey, that old guy at the gas station said this highway would take me to New Mexico!"  
  
*Flash to shots of the empty streets of Raccoon City. Leons jeep pulls up infront of something in the middle of the road. Crows fly away and Leon steps out of his jeep to investigate*  
  
Leon"What have we got here? Wow, my first day on the job and i get to deal with my 1st crack whore!"  
  
*Shot of Leons back as camera zooms in. Flash to gas station somewhere in Raccoon. A creature comes into shot flying out a window*  
  
Creature"Hey, all i wanted were some waffles!"  
  
*The creature rises. Shot of man in a truck holding his arm*  
  
Truck Driver"That guys a maniac! All i did was beat his top score at Space Invaders! Why'd he bite me?"  
  
*Shot of mans blood covered arm. The truck blows its horn and drives away, whilst the creature starts to move away from the gas station*  
  
Creature"Fine! Ill go to Hooters down the street from here!"  
  
*Shot of a hand on a wall, goes to Leon checking a body in the middle of the street*  
  
Leon"Hmm, wonder where she hid her stash...better frisk her"  
  
*View of something moving towards Leon. Camera zooms in on Leon*  
  
Leon"Uh oh....im guessin they're her pushers and pimps huh?"  
  
*Shots of creatures moving towards Leon and surrounding him*  
  
Leon"Hey..i wasnt gonna bong or anything from her..hehe...hey what are these things?"  
  
Creature"Actually i prefer the term, undead monster"  
  
Leon"Oh ok. Ok thats far enough, DONT MOVE! God knows what kinda cootys youve all got!"  
  
*Creatures still advance towards Leon. Camera turns to body on the floor as its eyes open. Shot of Leon*  
  
LeonNO!  
  
*Corpse grabs Leons boot*  
  
Leon"Those boots are genuine suade you b@st@rd!"  
  
*Shot of Leon as he fires his gun at the corpse. Creatures close in on Leon, as he starts to fire his gun. Leon hits one creature twice in the chest*  
  
Creature" Owwww, dammit that hurt!"  
  
Leon"The hell? That was a clean hit! I always bag drug dealers with those kinda shots!"  
  
*Leon continus firing at the creatures as he backs into an alley*  
  
Leon"Ohhhhhhhhh crap, i knew i should have got to work earlier instad of stopping at that strip joint.."  
  
*Leon reloads his gun as he backs away. Suddenly a door opens and a woman appears*  
  
Woman"Ahhhhhhh! Leonardio DiCaprio!"  
  
*Shot of Leon aiming his gun at woman. Camera turns to woman with a creature moving towards her in the background*  
  
Woman"Hey can i have your auto..."  
  
Leon"GET DOWN!"  
  
Woman"Huh?"  
  
Creatures"HE SAID GET DOWN!"  
  
Woman"Oh ok!"  
  
*The woman ducks down as Leon shoots the creature square in the head. Camera truns to Woman on the floor as Leon holds out his hand*  
  
Leon"We cant stay out here. Head to the police statin, itll be alot safer"  
  
Woman"Hehe, right, like ive never heard that line before..."  
  
*Leon and the woman run out of the alley into another street. They look around quickly for somewhere to hide. Leon spots something*  
  
Leon"Cool, a Porsche Boxster!"  
  
Woman"Its a Ford Saturn you idiot! Lets get in!"  
  
*Leon and the woman rush towards the car and get in as the zombies move towards them*  
  
Leon"Buckle up!"  
  
Woman*in a sarchastic girly voice*"Geeee, thank you Mr Car Safety 1st Man!"  
  
*The car speeds off as the creatures stand confused*  
  
Creature"Hey, thats my car!"  
  
*Fade to the car speeding along the roads of Raccoon as more creatures are seen in the streets. Shot of Leon and the woman in the car*  
  
Woman"Whats going on? I was waiting on the corner for my erm, daddy, and the whole place went insane!"  
  
Leon[/b]"Great the radios out! Must be those tight hot pants your wearing...most middle aged men round here dont get any action that often, if you catch my drift..."  
  
Woman[/b]"Hehe...you a cop right?..."  
  
*Woman quickly stuffs a small packet containing some white powder down her top*  
  
Leon"Yeah, first day on the job. Great huh? Names Leon Kennedy, nice to meet you"  
  
Woman"Mines Claire, Claire Redfield. I cam looking for my brother Chris..."  
  
Leon"You came?!?! Dirty little...."  
  
Claire"NOT THAT KIND OF CAME YOU FOOL!"  
  
Leon"OOOOooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh!!"  
  
*Camera zooms away from the car as it slides into a corner. A truck is close behing it*  
  
Claire"Hey watch your driving hotshot! This aint no rally race ya know!"  
  
*Shot of the car driving down a road, as the truck follows behind, knocking down some street signs*  
  
Leon"Sorry...Hey could you open the glovebox?*thinks to himself* Gotta be some joints in this car...."  
  
*Claire opens the glovebox, to find a gun and a chilli burrito*  
  
Claire"Theres a gun inside..."  
  
*Leon curses to himself*  
  
Leon*sigh*"Better take it with you. Better than that crappy bread knife ya got at the moment"  
  
*Shot of Claire checking the sights if the gun. Suddenly a creature pops up from the backseat*  
  
Creature"Woooh! Best sleep ive had in weeks! Say, would ya mind if i got my burrito from the glovebox?"  
  
Leon"NO!"  
  
Creature"Hey! What are doin in my house!"  
  
*Leon swerves to avoid getting bitten by the creature, as the car hits the side of a wall*  
  
Claire"Look out!"  
  
Creature"Dammit, gimme my burrito!!!"  
  
*Leon trys to evade the creatures attack, as the car swerves left and right*  
  
Leon"Make way!!!"  
  
Claire"Woaaaaaahhhhhh shiiiiiiiiiiiittttt!!!!!!!!"  
  
*The car crashs head first into a street sign, and the creature flys through the front windscreen*  
  
Creature"Noooooooooooooooo, my burritooooooooooooooooooo OUCH!"  
  
*Shot of Leon and Claire recovering from the crash.  
  
Leon"Damn! I pretty much wrote off this car huh? Oh yeah, are you ok?"  
  
Claire"Well duh, im still alive arent I?"  
  
Leon"Hey...wanna make out? This is a pretty roomy car after all...."  
  
Claire"Sure!"  
  
*Leons looks into the rear view mirror and sees the truck loosing control and heading straight towards them*  
  
Leon"Hey! That maniacs watching us!"  
  
Claire"PERVERT!"  
  
*Shot of the driver, who appears to be another creature*  
  
Leon"Ermmmmm.....RUN!!!"  
  
*Leon and Claire quickly get out the car and run out the way, as the truck collides with the car* Claire dives the opposite way from Leon runnign away. Claire gets up and shields her face from the smoke and flames*  
  
Leon"Claire, you there? Oh well shes dead, never mind, sh!t happens"  
  
Claire"LEON"  
  
Leon"Im ok. Head to the station, ill make out with ya there!"  
  
Claire*in a sexy voice*"Alright lover, ill be waiting..."  
  
Leon"Hehe, ok"  
  
*Leon backs away from the wreckage as he swallows a mint Tic Tac to freshen up his breath for Claire later*  
  
Leon and Claire in the STARS office  
  
*Enter Claire into the STARS office to meet Leon*  
  
Claire "Leon!"  
  
*Leon quickly shoves Chris's porno back into the drawer. He and Claire walk to the middle of the room to meet each other*  
  
Leon "Its good to see your still among the living!"  
  
Claire "Yeah, yeah, yeah whatever, just clear away that trash on the desk and whip off your pants so we can f**k"  
  
Leon "Ummmm, ok. But first about your brother..."  
  
Claire "My what?.....OH yeah!!! What about him?"  
  
Leon "Well, see the thing is.....hes a crap guitar player..."  
  
Claire "He is???"  
  
Leon "Yeah...i was just looking over some of his...ermmm... sheet music and it really bites....yeah... and his guitars outta tune too...mmmmhmmm"  
  
*Leons nods his head whilst Claire gives him a funny look*  
  
Claire "Erm whats really goin on Leon?...hey that rhymes..."  
  
Leon "Well...ok...it looks like we're not gonna find your brother here after all..."  
  
Claire "........YA THINK!?!?"  
  
*Leon hands Claire Chris's diary. Claire flicks through the diary, stopping every so often to look at Chris's drawings of Jill nude doing, errmmm, dirty things:D. Claire looks at the floor ashamed by her brothers poor enterpretation of the femal anatomy*  
  
Leon "Wow! He might be a bad musician, but hes a damn good artist!"  
  
*Claire quickly puts away Chris's diary and Leon stops leering over the pictures of Jill*  
  
Leon "Theres no reason for us to stay any longer than neccessary."  
  
Claire "Yeah there is. I heard the Baskin Robins down the street has some damn good frozen yogurt. Maybe we could grab some..."  
  
Leon "Ahhhhh no..we should split up, look for any survivors, steal their cash and valuables, and get outta here!"  
  
Claire "Right! Good plan!" Leon "Well of course. I AM a cop...."  
  
Claire "Yeah, a pretty dumb one at that too..."  
  
Leon "One last thing."  
  
*Leon takes a radio from his belt and hands it to Claire*  
  
Leon "Hears a radio, take it. That way we can listen KRaccoon 109 while we blast some zombie a$$!"  
  
*Claire nods and takes the radio, whilst Leon runs off through the door. Claire walks over to Chris's desk and takes out the porno mag Leon was looking at. She flicks through it, pulling back the stuck together pages with noticable white stains on them*  
  
Claire "Jeez bro, you had ta just go and ruin my porno didnt ya?"  
  
*Walks out the room in a bad mood*  
  
Hunk and William Birkin  
  
*Two SWAT soldiers slowly move down a corridor. One stops and peers round the corner*  
  
Hunk "This way"  
  
*The soldiers move toward a door. Switch to a compartment moving outwards ful of vials of green and purple substances*  
  
William "Its sheer perfection, my high sugar sweetener for Mountain Dew"  
  
*Takes the sample in his hand*  
  
William "No-one will ever take your sweetness away from me!"  
  
*Suddenly two SWAT soldiers come through a sliding door. Willima reacts quickly and grabs a suitcase and a pistol.* Hunk "There he is!"  
  
SWAT#1 "Where? My goggles are all fogged up..."  
  
*Takes out cloth and wipes his goggles, and see Birkin*  
  
SWAT#1 "Ohhhhh there he is!"  
  
William "So you've finally come! Jesus, how long does it take to deliver a ham and pineapple pizza these days?"  
  
Hunk "No doctor, we're here to collect the G-Virus sample.."  
  
*William backs away towards his worktop*  
  
William "Ok, ok, i'll trade ya my G-Virus for your Charizard card! Whaddaya say?"  
  
*William backs into a container knocking it over onto the floor. William stops and SWAT#1 reacts to the sound and fires a burst from his H&K MP5 into William*  
  
Hunk "Stop, i was gonna take him up on that deal..."  
  
William "I'll take that as a no then...."  
  
*Hunk steps towards William and sees a briefcase full of T and G-Virus samples*  
  
Hunk "Thats it alright"  
  
SWAT#1 "How do you know?"  
  
Hunk "Because i do, thats how."  
  
SWAT#1 "But your not a scien..."  
  
Hunk "Shut the hell up before i give ya a wedgie smarta$$!"  
  
SWAT#1 "Hehe, ok. Sorrry..."  
  
Hunk "Good, you better be...OK lets move out!"  
  
*Hunk and SWAT#1 leave the lab, whilst Birkin is left for dead. Annette enters the lab and sees William*  
  
Annette "William! Did you squirt ketchup all over your lab coat again?"  
  
*Annette moves over to William*  
  
Annette *sigh* "I'll go get some detergent, stay here and dont touch any more condiments!"  
  
*William nods and Annette leaves to go get some detergent. William gets out his sweetener*  
  
William "Hehe suckers didnt get my sweetener. Well theres only one thing left to do..."  
  
*Cut to another team of SWAT soldiers sending a radio message to Hunk*  
  
SWAT#2 "Alpha team, did you retrieve the donuts yet?"  
  
Hunk "Affirmative, we'll meet at the ren-dez-vous point"  
  
SWAT#3 "Huh? I thought we was getting the G-Virus?"  
  
SWAT#2 "We are. Donuts is the code name for the G-Virus, idiot!"  
  
SWAT#3 "OHHHHHH! Hey, whats ren-dez-vous mean?"  
  
SWAT#2 *sigh* "Just shut up and follow me alright?"  
  
SWAT#3 "Ummmmm, ok"  
  
*Switch to William with sweetener* William "Well....here goes....nothing..."  
  
*Plunges the needle full of high sugar sweetener into his stomach*  
  
William "Wooooooaaaaaahhhh, major sugar rush!!!!!"  
  
*Switch to Williams eyes which have turned red in colour. Fade to Annette*  
  
Ada "Are you telling me that he was bleeding and he didnt have ketchup on his shirt? Man, your a dumba$$!"  
  
Annette "Shut up b!tch! He may have been a scientist, but he was as clumsy as hell!"  
  
Ada "Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrright? So he injected himself with a high power sugar sweetener, NOT the G-Virus?"  
  
Annette "His Mountain Dew sweetener has the ability to give people a major burst of energy and get em smacked up like a crack whore"  
  
*Fade to sewers. A load roar is heard*  
  
SWAT#3 "Wh..wha...wha..what was that?"  
  
SWAT#2 "Sounded like someone whos constipated! Better check it out, over there!"  
  
SWAT#3 "Yeh, ok....good thing i cant smell anything under this mask"  
  
*SWAT#2 and SWAT#3 run towards the sound. Cut to Hunk and SWAT#1 with their guns drawn*  
  
SWAT#1 "Shoot! Eat this you freak!"  
  
*Fires into monster but the monster is unaffected*  
  
SWAT#1 "Hey, this is a BB gun! My other ones at home!!!"  
  
Hunk "Excuses, excuses. Its your own damn fault for bringing that pea shooter! What is this thing anyways? Looks like a little kid who drank too much Coca Cola!"  
  
Creature "SUGAR...GIMME SUGAR....CAFFEINE.....ADDITIVES........ANYTHING!?!?!"  
  
*Some claws come into view. Cut to sewers again as a loud scream can be heard*  
  
SWAT#2 "Man, that guy must have ate some seriously bad food! Lets hurry!"  
  
*Pulls out some laxatives and runs towards the sounds with SWAT#3. Cut to body of SWAT#1 on the floor with a large wound on his chest. Cut to a large foot crushing vials of the T and G-Virus from the briefcase. A huge mutated body is seen with the sound of a vial of the G-Virus being eaten by the creature. SWAT#2 and SWAT#3 turn the corner to see the creature*  
  
Creature "G-VIRUS HAVE NO SUGAR......ME WANT CANDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!COFFEEEEEE!!!!SWEEEEEEEETYYYYYYY!!!"  
  
SWAT#2 "What is this thing? And why is it so constipated!"  
  
*The creature lets out a loud roar*  
  
Creature "F**KING HELL...IM SO HIGH...THAT I COULD.......FLY!!! YEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!"  
  
SWAT#2 "FIRE, FIRE!!!"  
  
*SWAT#2 throws the laxatives at the creature, but to no avail*  
  
Creatures "LAXATIVES NO SUGAR.....GIMME SOME SWEEEEEEEEEEEEET SUGARRRRRRRRR!!!!!"  
  
Camera zooms in to SWAT#2 as he gets attacked. SWAT#3 sees this and opens fire*  
  
SWAT#3 " Sunnuva b!tch! You killed my love inter...er superior!"  
  
*Fires into the creature, but it is unaffected. SWAT#3 runs out of ammo*  
  
SWAT#3 "Ooooooooooooooooooh crap, im dead..."  
  
*SWAT#3 shakes head and backs into a wall. Cut to a large eye opening*  
  
SWAT#3 "Sh!t! Thats one helluva big one eye monster you got their!"  
  
Creature "ONE EYE MONSTER WANT SUGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!"  
  
*Cut to sewers as a scream is heard. Cut to brifecase and smashed vials of T and G-Virus, which some mice are eating at*  
  
Mice "Ahh God bless these sewers. Always some chemical to eat and get stoned off...." 


	3. Resident Evil 3 Rewrites

Resident Evil 3  
  
Intro to RE3.  
  
Jill: "September 28th dayliht.....argh! Damn typo!  
  
*Sound of paper bring ripped out and gettin replaced*  
  
Jill: *sigh*" September 28th, daylight. Monsters have overtaken the city."  
  
Jill: "Somehow....my boobs haven't popped out this top yet..."  
  
*Fade to Jill looking out a window. She turn and head towards a short flight of steps*  
  
Jill: "Ok, we gotta get outta here! The Boutique opens at 8!"  
  
*Cut to some ugly fat guy named Dario*  
  
Dario: "What? What are you talking about? I just lost my daughter out there! How dare you tell me to go back outside....then again i could go for a hot dog...."  
  
Jill: "Well tough sh!t about your daughter, i got my eye on those shoes at half price, so we ARE goin back outside!"  
  
Dario: "NO! Im no going anywhere!"  
  
Jill: "Oh yes you are!"  
  
Dario: "Oh no im not!"  
  
Jill: "You are!"  
  
Dario: "Im not!"  
  
Jill: "ARE!"  
  
Dario: "NOT!"  
  
*Dario runs to a large container and sticks his tongue out to Jill, before closing the doors and locking them*  
  
Jill: "FINE! Be a wuss! I dont want your opinion on those shoes anyway! Im gonna leave now....I MEAN IT!"  
  
Dario: "Fine!"  
  
Jill: "Im leaving, i mean it! 10, 9, 8...OPEN THOSE DOORS!"  
  
Dario: "...."  
  
Jill: "7, 6, 5, 4, 3.......2.........1......3/4........1/2.......1/4........1/8? AWWW screw you ya fat b@stard, im outta here!"  
  
*Jill runs off to get to the Boutique*  
  
Dario: "HEY! IM NOT FAT, ITS A GLANDULAR PROBLEM FOR YOUR INFORMATION!"  
  
Jills conversation with Brad in Jacks bar  
  
*Jill walks into the bar and sees Brad struggling with a zombie*  
  
Jill: "Oh for God sakes Brad, get a room!"  
  
Brad: "DAMMIT, ITS A ZOMBIE! GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF, GET IT OOOOOOOFF!"  
  
Jill: *sigh*"Ok, ok..."  
  
Zombie: "Hehe, gimme your lunch money ya little dork!"  
  
*Brad gets out of the monkey scratch the zombie was giving him and fires at the zombie. Jill also opens fire*  
  
Zombie: "Owwwww, what the?"  
  
Jill: "Sorry dude. He'll get killed off later. Thanks for trying anyway! Cheques in the post"  
  
*Soon the zombie is down. Brad slumps to the floor*  
  
Jill: " Ahh get up ya big fusspot. Hey! If you had a gun, why did you need my help?"  
  
Brad: "I dunno, just wanted to save my ammo"  
  
Jill: "Chicken...so anyway, why the hell isnt anyone at the bar? I need a couple a cold ones! And why the hell isnt someone doing anything about this sh!thole!"  
  
Brad: "Hey, you should be dea...err i didnt know you were still alive Jill, hehe. But the pigs aren't trained for this kinda situation. They sit on their a$$ and munch donuts all day, what could they do?"  
  
Jill: "Well erm, they could try, GETTIN OFF THEIR FAT A$$ES AND HELPIN ME OUT!"  
  
Brad: "Well in any case, hes comin for us, we're both gonna die!"  
  
Jill: "Who? The Boogerman? Freddy Kruger? The monster you think lives under your bed? Haha, gimme a break"  
  
Brad: " You'll see, then you'll be sorry!"  
  
Jill: "Whatever Brad"  
  
Brad: "Im tellin ya...."  
  
Jill: "La lala la lala, im not listening to you! Your just a chicken sh!t homo!"  
  
Brad: "SHUT UP! I AM NOT A CHICKEN...but the other part is kinda true... anyway SHUT UP! Im outta here!"  
  
*Brad walks to the door*  
  
Jill: "Hey, dont pull a Steve on me now!"  
  
Brad: "HEY! Your not supposed to know who Steve is!"  
  
Jill: "I do know he Steve! He was my ex..."  
  
Brad: "Rrrrrrrrright? Anyway hes after STARS members, theres no...."  
  
*Jill starts to dance"  
  
Jill: "Lalalalala, Im not a STARS member anymore, your chicken a$$ is fryed Brad! Hahahahahaha!"  
  
Brad: "You wont be saying that once the Boogerman gets you!"  
  
*Brad storms out the bar*  
  
Jill: *sigh*"Finally hes gone. Now where they keep the Jack Daniels round here?" 


	4. Resident Evil CV Rewrites

Resident Evil Code: Veronica/X  
  
Claire and Rodrigo  
  
*Claire takes out her lighter*  
  
Claire: "Man im dying for some weed"  
  
*Claire lights her lighter and sees a man standing outside the cell door*  
  
Claire: "YIKES! Oh man, dude you are reeeeeeeeeeeeally ugly"  
  
*The man unlocks the cell and opens the door, motioning at Claire to get out the cell*  
  
Claire: "Uh-oh...*checks pocket for condoms* hope i can slip it on him without him noticin...maybe i can put it on with my mouth like i did with Leon..."  
  
*The man slowly walks over to a chair and sits down. He then takes out a small white bottle*  
  
Rodrigo: "Lets see, heroin, ecstacy, magic mushrooms...ahhh perfect...popped the last hemostatic pill by mistake! No wonder i wasnt amped tonight!"  
  
*Rodrigo angrily throws the bottle to the floor. He then turns to Claire*  
  
Rodrigo: "Go on, get out of here before i decide to screw your a$$. This place is finished. I dont know, probably some angry fisherman p!ssed cos we vandalised their dingy, but in any case this prisons been taken over, our troops have been wiped out"  
  
*Claire steps out of the cell*  
  
Claire: "Ah well, sh!t happens, guess ill be seein ya round then..."  
  
Rodrigo: "Your free to leave the complex, but you may aswell know you have no chance of gettin of this island."  
  
Claire: "Oh yeah?"  
  
Rodrigo: "Yeah"  
  
Claire: "Oh yeah!"  
  
Rodrigo: "Yeah! Try it b!tch"  
  
Claire: "Okay then manwhore! Ill show ya! Come on!"  
  
Rodrigo: "Im stayin here, dont worry about me"  
  
Claire: "Ah, okay then, so in other words you wanna die like a chicken right?"  
  
Rodrigo: "Get out before i do something not nice..."  
  
Claire: "Oh yeh, like what?"  
  
*Rodrigo pulls out a 20 inch metal spiked dildo and smiles whilst staring at Claires a$$*  
  
Claire: "Aieeeeeeeee!"  
  
*Claire runs out of the prison door quickly*  
  
Introduction of Steve to Claire  
  
Claire: "Hmmmm a few dozen zombies and not one of em was good lookin. Why do i always get the ugly f**kers?"  
  
*Suddenly a spotlight comes on and a cannon from somewhere opens fire at Claire, but she reacts quickly and takes cover behind some debris*  
  
Claire: *checks to see if shes come undone* "The hell have i done then!"  
  
*Claire then finds a handgun close to her. She takes it and loads it waiting for the right moment*  
  
Claire: "Well its not a rocket launcher, but it'll do"  
  
*The gunfire stops as a figure checks to see whats wrong. Claire then suddenly fires at the cannon knocking out the spotlight, then she sends another 2 shots in the direction of the shooter*  
  
Shooter: "WAAAH! Dont shoot, im still a virgin!"  
  
*The figure hold his hands up in the air and looks up to see Claire holding the gun at him*  
  
Shooter: "Wait, your not a zombie! Your a chick with tight pants, but sure aint no zombie! Stay there, im comin over!"  
  
Claire: "Ewwwwww! Oh, ya didnt mean THAT kinda come! Hehe, sure!*under her breath* Great, another whiny tag along little kid. Sherry p!ssed me off enough for one day...."  
  
*The shooter jumps down from the tower and moves towards Claire, who responds by keeping her gun trained on the Shooter*  
  
Shooter: "Sorry about the little misunderstanding, i thought you were another one of those monsters!"  
  
*The shooter pushes the guns aim away from his head, but Claire moves away and keeps it pointed at the Shooters head*  
  
Claire: "Hey, i dont look anything like those decaying b@stards! Take one wrong move and i'll shoot"  
  
Shooter: *In his mind* "Hehe, bet shes into domination..." Relax beautiful, i said i was sorry."  
  
Claire: "*blushes* Really? Hehe, well the clothes do show off my figure..."  
  
Shooter: "Well, my names Steve. I was a male prostitu...err prisoner on this island."  
  
*Claire takes her aim away from Steves head*  
  
Claire: *In her mind* "Damn, cant kill him then..."  
  
Steve: "And im guessing your not from Umbrella either."  
  
Claire: "Well duh, boy genius. Im Claire, Claire Redfield, and i'd like a Bacardi, stirred not shaken"  
  
Steve: "Hmmmm, nice. Hey, i heard theres an airport around here. Once i find it, im gonna fly to the North Pole and see Santa Claus, then i can ask him for that Barbie doll set ive always wanted! Well see ya"  
  
*Steve heads for the door*  
  
Claire: "Rrrrrrrrrrrrrright...well i think you need some help, both physically and mentally, so...  
  
*Steve turns and faces Claire and wags his finger at her*  
  
Steve: " i dont want you following me. You might beat me up and take my lunch money..."  
  
Claire: "Oh ok then, you go out on your own, unarmed into a prison full of cannibalistic monsters. Im sure youll be fine..."  
  
Steve: "Ok then, later!"  
  
*Steve goes through the door*  
  
Claire: "Yeh later, *under her breath* ya little gay b@stard! I hope a dog bites your pea sized balls off!"  
  
Claire meets Steve again in the security room  
  
*Steve is looking at something on a computer screen*  
  
Steve: "Chris Redfield...he looks hot! *scribbles down address and phone number on piece of paper and quickly licks photo of Chris on the screen* Now lets see.. hotgaysex.com....  
  
Claire: "What are you doing?"  
  
Steve: " I errr...ummm.... was trying to get this disgusting filth off the computer *points to computer screen* Honestly, some people just blatently use the Internet for porn! Downright disgusting"  
  
Claire: "Hey, thats my brother!"  
  
Steve: *looks in hope of seeing some hot pictures of Chris but notices the webpage hasnt loaded yet and quickly presses Stop button* "Huh? Oh, Chris Redfields your brother huh?  
  
*Steve goes over to a control panel on the wall and plays around with it*  
  
Steve: "Well, its seems your brother is under surveilence by Umbrella.."  
  
Claire: "Ewwwww, damn perverts!"  
  
*Claire rushes over to the computer and smirks as she sees some pictures of Chris in his Barney underwear as she starts to type something*  
  
Claire: "Ive got to contact Leon and tell him that my brothers being monitered, and also that i left my bra and panties round his house...its a good thing i have access to an ouside connection from here..."  
  
*Claire quickly checks to see if Steves looking then she opens up another Internet window*  
  
Claire: "Hmmmmmmm, barely-legal-lesbians.com should be worth a looksee..."  
  
Steve: "That file shows the latitude and longitude of this place, ha, why dont you send your brother the co-ordinates so i can make love to hi....i mean tell him to come help, hehe..."  
  
Claire: "Thanks, ill do that. Hope he gets off his lazy a$$ and comes over here, it'll give him some exercise."  
  
Steve: "Hey, is was just kidding, theres no way he could get here, even if he is sexy...and your brother!..."  
  
Claire: "Yes he can, im sure of it. He'd more reliable than you, you sissy faced pansy!"  
  
*Steve turns to face Claire*  
  
Steve: "No way, he wont come..."  
  
Claire: "Yes he will, ive jacked him off hundreds of times and hes never..."  
  
*Steve gives Claire a funny look*  
  
Claire: "Heh, forget i said that...but still he'll come!"  
  
Steve: "You'll just end up disappointed when you rely on others! My dad told me he'd take me to see Boy George in concert but he never did, so believe me i know!"  
  
*Steve storms out of the room*  
  
Claire: "Man, hes such a damn fruit....hey, my page has loaded...what the? Hot new pictures of Rebecca Chambers gettin wild???"  
  
*Claire clicks on the link to the pictures and looks through them...*  
  
Chris meets Wesker  
  
*Chris hears an evil laugh from behind him.*  
  
Chris "Blofeld?.....wait a minute...."  
  
Wesker "Long time no see Chris."  
  
*Chris turns around to see Wesker*  
  
Chris "Wesker? Did you use my hair gel?"  
  
Wesker "Well of course Chris. Do you think my hair always looks like this when i wake up in the morning? You.... wait a minute, stick to the script dumbass!"  
  
Chris "Oh yeah! Your still alive?"  
  
Wesker "No sh!t Sherlock."  
  
*Wesker laughs evily.*  
  
Chris "Wow, your throat sounds really blocked up. You want some Lockets or something?"  
  
Wesker "Shhhh!"  
  
Chris "Sorry. (Ahem) Whaddaya doin here?"  
  
Wesker "Hey that sounded pretty cool!"  
  
Chris "Thanks."  
  
*Gestures to Wesker to say his lines*  
  
Wesker "Oh well, I was flying over Rockfort Island in my jumpjet, when i decided to bomb the place to hell and grab a vanilla shake from McDonalds"  
  
*Chris looks oddly at Wesker*  
  
Wesker "Huh? Oh i mean...I came for Alexia"  
  
Chris "A Lexia? I think you mean A Lexus? They are quality cars"  
  
Wesker "No fool. Jeez... I said ALEXIA!!!"  
  
Chris "Oww, no need to shout man! Anyway, Alexia, is she single? And another question...who the f**k is Alexia?"  
  
Wesker "(sigh) Youll find out later in the scene where Alexia kicks my a... I mean...An organisation hired me to capture her"  
  
Chris "Wait, wait...I can guess that organisation! UPS right?"  
  
Wesker "No stupid! God damn..."  
  
Chris "Sorry...wait...you attacked the island..."  
  
Wesker "Duh, and your point is...?"  
  
Chris "And my sister!"  
  
Film Crew "OOOOOH!"  
  
Wesker "You mean the chick wearing those jeans that are 5 sizes too small for her? If so then...yeah"  
  
*Chris raises his gun, but Wesker reacts quickly and punches Chris into a wall.*  
  
Wesker "Hehehe, Michael Johnsons got nothin on me!"  
  
Chris "Owww....hey the stiffness in my backs gone... thanks Wesker!"  
  
*Shot of Wesker then Chris, then Weskers props up his shades and smiles evily.*  
  
Wesker "Damn, the nose rests on these shades are uncomfortable"  
  
*Wesker dashes over to Chris quickly and grabs Chris by the throat. Wesker laughs evily again and slowly shakes his head.*  
  
Chris ",Man Wesker, you really oughta see a doctor about your throat an...uh oh you look p!ssed"  
  
*Wesker raises Chris up by his throat against the wall.*  
  
Wesker "Wow, I never knew i was this strong"  
  
Chris "Ok this is really uncomfortable"  
  
Wesker "You have no idea how much i hate you"  
  
Chris "Umm well im guessing you hate me quite alot huh?"  
  
Wesker "Well yeah, quite alot, but anyway you destroyed my plans, now i cant buy that condo i wanted in Delaware! So now ive sold my soul to a new organisation"  
  
Chris "Cool. I sold my soul to the Devil once"  
  
Wesker "Really? I gotta try that sometime... but in the meantime....now die!"  
  
Chris "Uh-oh"  
  
*Chris knocks Weskers shades from his face. Wesker turns to face Chris slowly, revealing his cats eyes. Chris looks shocked.*  
  
Chris "Man, either those are some cool contacts, or you got a baaaaad case of pinkeye"  
  
Wesker "Try none of the above"  
  
Chris "Errr....ok"  
  
Wesker "Heres a little secret Chris"  
  
Chris "Oooh a secret!"  
  
Wesker ".....Im not wearing any underwear"  
  
Chris "Huh!"  
  
Wesker "Err I mean.....I figured out that your sister is now in the Antarctic, with Alexia"  
  
Chris "Uh oh, moms gonna kick her ass for going to the Antarctic without a grown up!"  
  
*Wesker and Chris chuckle.*  
  
Wesker "Wellits too bad you wont be seeing her again"  
  
Chris "Hehehehe..... hey whaddaya mean wont be seeing her aga...oh right"  
  
*Wesker laughs evily, as Chris struggles.*  
  
Chris "Nice.....laugh....."  
  
Wesker "Thanks it took me years to perfect it"  
  
*A screen nearby flickers on and a woman appears cackling away, then it switches off again.*  
  
Wesker "Mom? I mean...Alexia?"  
  
*Wesker looks shocked as he throws Chris into a large container. Chris gasps for breath.*  
  
Chris "Man his breath stinks"  
  
*A bandersnatch steps out of a container, as Chris goes for his gun, and Wesker escapes.*  
  
Chris "Y-yeah you b-better run away! I woulda taken your ass to the cleaners if I had my lucky socks on!"  
  
*Film crew throw hands up in the air. Wesker mumbles in the background*  
  
Wesker "I cant work with that jackass for much longer. I wanted to be in RE3, but nooo!" 


End file.
